This weekend was entirely about boobs, boobs, a little Halloween, and also some boobs.
It all began on Friday, when I meant to attempt a siege of the local mall in search of some sensible shoes, since all my current shoes are utter nonsense. But, because I am a woman and thus at the whim of a cocktail of hormones and a mammary gland or two, I let my boobs guide me to the nearest boob shop, which was Soma Intimates. I reasoned that it was still a practical mission, since all my bras had let me down in some fashion or another, as bras are wont to do. I didn't imagine that I'd go into that store a 34B, and, courtesy of a quick bra fitting, emerge a 32D. What! How!?
None of Soma's bras enticed me, so I wandered back out. At this particular mall, Soma Intimates faces off against Victoria's Secret in a very unfair juxtaposition. I'm sure Soma usually intends itself as the more grown-up antidote to the trumped up man-bait, parading as supportive undergarments, that VS hawks, but unfortunately it ends up looking like the frumpy older sister. I am a somewhat frumpy older sister myself, but I'd prefer to be perceived otherwise, so I allowed The Girls to meander into Victoria's Secret next. I could barely find any options in 32D, so I grabbed a bunch of 34D bras instead. I spent at least an hour wrangling Guildenstern and Rosencrantz into all manner of styles, but I at last emerged triumphant...somewhat. Turns out, five bras = $300.
YOU GUYS, BOOBS ARE SUCH A RACKET.
But I sucked it up and bought those bras, mostly because they had tiger stripes and sequins and because I need cheering up, and what better way to improve one's mood than to incur more credit card debt?
Then I got home and read everything I could about bras and boobs and fittings...
IT TURNS OUT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BOOBS, LEAST OF ALL MY OWN.
I had to march back to Victoria's Secret today and return all the bras I bought. Then I went through the hassle of getting fitted again (still a 32D, dammit), and allowed a salesperson to lead me around the sales floor on a tether so I could pick out new boob cages.
And then I had to sprint like mad to get out of there, because some feminist had set the place on fire.
(Did you know that it is IMPOSSIBLE to find 32D bras in most brick-and-mortar stores? Like Target?)